Ashley
14 June 2010 @ 07:40 pm
My art sale is still going on

HERE

. Still lots of stuff that's extremely affordable. Help me buy new supplies!!
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Ashley
11 June 2010 @ 07:21 pm

Super duper art sale!!

Seriously, check it outCollapse )
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Ashley
29 December 2009 @ 02:44 pm
Talk to me anonymously, about anything. I will talk back!!
 
 
Ashley
10 October 2009 @ 05:56 pm
http://apps.facebook.com/cloudcrowd/invite/cdbb01

So this is this facebook app called cloudcrowd where basically you proofread really badly written Chinese websites and they pay you money for it. I've made about $10 bucks off of it today. So if you don't mind proofreading it, it doesn't seem too bad.
 
 
Ashley
15 September 2009 @ 02:28 pm
The Duchess of Nature - Threadless T-shirts, Nude No More

I am posting this again because it's the last day of scoring, so if anyone who hasn't voted for it could possibly maybe vote for me, that would be great. I've gotten a lot of votes, but I don't know if they're good or not! Fingers crossed, etc, etc.
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Ashley
09 September 2009 @ 04:15 pm
Okay, so the time has at last arrived! Threadless accepted my design and now it is up for scoring!! I am super excited! So please, please, please do me a super huge favor and vote for my design. (If you absolutely hate it, you don't have to, of course).

The Duchess of Nature - Threadless T-shirts, Nude No More

Thank you lj friends!
 
 
Ashley
04 July 2009 @ 01:14 am
I am going to be like everyone else in the world of LJ, and have this little front page thing. So if you want me to friend you back or something, you can comment here. I probably will, if I notice.

Also, you may use this space to question anything about me and whatnot. Other than that, that's all I have to say!

 
 
Ashley
22 May 2008 @ 06:56 pm
I've been bouncing around an idea of either writing a full-fledge story or just writing out some memoir-type deals. I've just been in a writing mood. Anyways, I wrote something today, but I don't know how I feel about it. I like parts of it a lot, but I feel like my ending is super weak. Egh. Anyways, if anyone wants to give me feedback, go for it. Click...Collapse )
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Current Music: the magnetic fields
 
 
Ashley
I had a job to do. An important one. No sir, her sweet perfume and criss-crossed nylon leg coverers weren't going to sway me. She leaned against the doorway and it creaked in pain. Or perhaps that was her ass. The Lord God Savior likes to keep mysteries in the world, and far be it from me to question him. I'm a detective, and she's a not-detective. Or maybe she is a detective.
"Are you a detective?" I asked as she sucked on her tobacco tube.
"No," she cooed as hot smoke plumed from her lips. She reminded me of a toaster oven with a bagel in it, one of those toaster ovens that doesn't have the "bagel" setting so it just burns your bagel all to shit. I stood up from my desk, hitting my open desk drawer forcefully with my thighs. The drawer tore in half and fell to the floor.
"Obviously this desk was made by Thailandians. They're known for their poor drawer making abilities." I stated, brushing fragments of the drawer off my grey slacks. She walked towards me, slowly, then quick, then slowly, then quick again. I noticed that her one leg was dragging, thus explaining her erratic gait. "What happened to your leg?" I motioned to the limp appendage.
"I maimed it making candles," her voice was soft and smooshy. "I've got a real bad problem, Mister." I stepped out from behind my desk. A mouse scurried by, carrying with it a baby carrot.
"I think you are a real bad problem, lady," I countered. She arched her bushy eyebrow at me. "I like real bad problems though. I eat 'em for lunch, tucked inside a Ziploc bag with marinara sauce." My voice was strong and bitter, like nickels. She shivered.
"You sure know how to excite a woman," she said, inhaling on her cigarette.
"I also know how to make a hippo out of a dollar bill. That and ten cents will get you a whole lot of nothing, so let's cut the crap." She shuffled towards me, her high heel slipping off of her dead leg, clattering behind her.
"I've got a nasty locust infestation in my kitchen. They're eatin' up all my cheddar cheese. And you know, I love my cheddar cheese."
"Really? Dairy products always give me the runs. Now why do you think I can help you? Do I look like an exterminator?" I leaned towards her, breathing in her scent. She reminded me of moldy showers and corn soup.
"You're wearing an exterminator's jumpsuit and you have a backpack loaded with pesticides. Also, the sign outside says, "Paul's Extermination Co. - Specializing in Locust Infestations, Especially Those Occurring in Kitchens" She went to puff on her cigarette, but instead it was sucked down her wide, manly throat. She coughed thrice and then looked at me again.
"That's understandable. Well, I'll need payment." I saw the mouse from before come back out and look gleefully at her foot. He galloped towards it, a stallion in matted grey fur and covered in bubonic plague-infected fleas.
"How much?" She reached for her purse, a large, black trashbag.
"Two tickets to a Rush concert and a pair of terrycloth shorts."
"Anything else?" She rummaged through her bag as the mouse feasted upon her toes.
"One night with you." I stared at her intently, she tried to stare back. Unfortunately, her one eye strayed northwards no matter how much she tugged and pulled on it.
"Are you trying to seduce me, Paul?" She let go of her eye and placed her hand on her hip.
"Does a dolphin hate Floridians? You know the answer to that one, sweetbread." She smiled, I smiled, the mouse smiled. We went outside and we hopped atop my donkey and we began the 300 mile pilgrimage to the Holy Land. As I said, the Lord God Savior likes to have mysteries, and you'll never know just when he'll drop a fine, dead legged whale woman on your doorstep. So be prepared! EXCELSIOR!
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Ashley
20 October 2005 @ 03:07 am
This is a play I wrote for a college writing course a while back.

Scenario Number 27

[A middle-aged man dressed in a suit and overcoat walks up to his house. He inserts the key, turns the doorknob, and walks inside. He takes off his coat, hangs it on the hook beside the door, and walks to the couch, tossing his briefcase on the coffee table. He looks around, a wide smile forming. He walks toward the back of the room, approaching another door.]

Man: Honey! I’m home!

[The man swings open the door, obviously enthused. His smile turns into a straight line, his eyes dim, his eyebrows furrow, making a deep crevasse in his forehead.]

[A woman, presumably his wife, lay in bed. She is holding five squirming, squeaking puppies. She appears to be stunned.]

Man: [appalled] What is this?! What-what are those puppies doing in our bed?!

Woman: Honey…I need to tell you something.

Man: [He bites his lip] What?

Woman: Well, you remember that night—about nine months ago, when I was out wandering in the woods?

Man: Of course…that’s when…

Woman: Yes. That’s when the wolves attacked me. But there was something I left out. [Her voice trails off]

Man: There was something you didn’t tell me?

Woman: [looks away shamefully] …Yes. That night…the wolves didn’t just attack me…they…

Man: [beginning to realize] No, no, no.

Woman: [She starts to cry] Yes. They had their way with me. Every one of them. [She sobs]

Man: So that means…

Woman: [Nods] These puppies are the result of that night.

[The man shakes his head. He runs to the dresser and opens the top drawer. He searches frantically, pushing socks and underwear aside. Finally, he pulls out a pistol.]

Man: [he points the gun at the puppies] They’re an abomination!

Woman: NO!! [She scoops up the puppies into her arms] They may be an abomination, but they’re mine…and I love them!

Man: I’LL KILL THEM ALL!

[At that moment, the woman’s arms fall off. The puppies fall onto the bed, rolling about helplessly.]

Woman: [appropriately shocked] Oh no! OH NO!!!

Man: [still pointing the pistol] What? WHAT NOW?!

Woman: Who’s going to hold them now? WHO’S GOING TO HOLD THEM?!

Man: [He tenses, but a look of pity overcomes him. He lowers the pistol.] I’ll—I’ll hold them.

Woman: [crying] Thank you so much. Thank you.

Man: Now get dressed, we’re going to T.G.I.Friday’s.

FIN.

Well, my professor didn't exactly like the play. I was working in a group where we were all writing individual plays, but helping each other. I was pulled from the group, citing that I was a "bad influence" on the other members. :(
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